


Alive

by LordessC



Series: Of Bastards and Broken Things [3]
Category: Game of Thrones (TV)
Genre: (But it doesn't truly matter anyway), (metaphorical), Aftermath, Also my season 8 wishes in the end notes, Angst, Dialogue Heavy, Gen, Ghosts, Inner Dialogue, Kind of Theon-centric ?, Lots of Angst, Not necessarily canon compliant because season 8 isn't out yet, Set a few years after season 7, because why not, so I cannot know
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 22:23:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,161
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18455807
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LordessC/pseuds/LordessC
Summary: Years have passed, but even time cannot erase the past.Theon is only too aware of that fact as his own personal ghosts haunt him day after day and night after night.Perhaps he deserved it. Perhaps it is even a blessing. It doesn't feel like it, of course.





	Alive

**Author's Note:**

> I swear I was working on my fan fiction. Then after hours of writing, I decided to take a well-deserved (or not, I'm so slow I barely must have wrote a thousand words or two) break. So I begun listening to a song. I heard the word "ghost". I immediately jumped on my computer and wrote this thing. I don't even know what that is. I don't know what to do with it. I don't know anything (though I do drink, but only coffee). I'm not even completely sure why I wrote it. But I hope you'll enjoy anyway. (I mean, it's not that it's bad, it's just that... There's no plot, per say, I guess? But if you like pure dialogue, it should be fine.)

 

 

 

Ramsay Bolton was dead. He had heard rumors about it before, but had not believed them —the monster was immortal, immortal and everywhere, always threatening to be there, lurking in the shadows, waiting for the right moment to throw himself at Theon and to turn him into Reek again. And indeed he was here.

Only hearing Sansa describe his end, in delightfully painful detail, right in front of him, had been able to make it sound real.

But it didn’t make it true.

Because after all these years, after all these battles, after all of Theon’s feats even, Ramsay was still alive.

Right _there_.

He laughed, and the laughter echoed inside of Theon’s mind for what must have been mere seconds but seemed like an eternity. He had grown used to it, now, though it still hadn’t ceased to chill him to the core, to cause his heart to beat faster and his knees to rattle.

“See? I knew I was right —I won. It’s my behavior, my actions, all of my deeds that saved me in the end. Had I not done them, you would not even remember me —no one would, just yet another bastard of yet another unfaithful lord. But now, you don’t only remember me —I live through you. Through Sansa, too, and through my reputation and the fright it instills in everyone’s hearts when they learn about my cruelty, my strength, my exploits, everything I accomplished and everything I dared to become.”

“Perhaps. But it’s also those crimes that had you killed, in the end.” Theon noted, unsure where the conversation was going —or rather, he knew where it lead, they always finished with pain and fear and agony and him some years ago spasming and wailing in dread and now merely quivering and closing his eyes to try and forget despite knowing how useless it was, but he had no idea which path it would take. Mayhap it didn’t matter.

“Crimes? Surely you mean feats! Besides… Of course, but you talk about human life, while I am speaking of millenniums! Centuries from now, they will still recall the prowesses of the rightful heir to the Dreadfort, Lord Ramsay Bolton, who rose above his condition and proved he was one of the greatest and bravest men in decades and more. They’ll sing about my victories, my intelligence, my audacity. And perhaps about you, too, unfortunate little Prince of Pyke who thought he was the toughest, and who met his match. But what else will they say about you ? Nothing. While I will haunt their hearts, frighten children and adults alike, and inspire the worthiest to follow in my tracks. I saved myself.”

“But it was Sansa, a young girl and your bride, who ended your life. It would be quite a disappointing end for a hero.”

Ramsay's pupils dilated and nostrils flared in vexation. “She isn’t a girl. She is a wolf. And it wasn’t her who delivered the final blow —I have been defeated by the combined efforts of an army of Wildlings that was no match for my prodigious strategies, and of a turncoat whose treason no one could ever have expected.”

“And you were fed to your own dogs by your own wife.”

“It’s a great proof I trained them to be strong.”

Theon did not dare to ask if he was including Sansa in the lot, as he knew the answer already. Ramsay would have done anything to prove himself and everyone else he was stronger than anyone, and that the only one able to end him had been himself —or someone driven by a part of him, at least.

“Really? Or is it only what you tell yourself to try and cease to fear me? That I am no one but an arrogant madman, who had no right to even touch you at all, who did all of this for his own entertainment?” Ramsay asked, reading even the thoughts he did not direct at him, as per usual. “Have you forgotten who I was, what I was?”

“No. You were my punishment, for betraying Robb and the Starks, for killing those boys, for executing Rodrik Cassel. But it only means that your actions were a fair and right retribution —not that _you_ were fair and right. Love the hand that hurts you, but not the heart.”

He snarled, his teeth clenched. “You deserve more pain. More suffering. More agony. Theon Greyjoy or Turncloak should not even have the right to be alive, should be dead, even Reek is worthier of breathing than you are!”

“I know. But simply hiding, simply being destroyed, simply disappearing is too easy. I have to keep repaying my debt now.”

“But I am dead.” Robb’s voice. Theon winced. He had secretly hoped he would not hear it once more, despite knowing he deserved it —he couldn’t help it. It was too much. Too soon, even after years. The wound was still fresh, carefully reopened each day, with each anguished heartbeat. The guilt had never ceased crushing him, even for one second —and he didn’t want it to, but it was nonetheless unbearable.

“I know.” Theon whispered under a ragged breath, lowering his head reflectively —perhaps because of his training, perhaps because he would never be worthy of meeting the eternally young wolf’s gaze again, perhaps because he could never have endured it. Certainly for all of these reasons. And what if he raised his head, and saw Robb’s had been replaced by Grey Wind’s? He couldn’t. “I know. But I can still help Sansa, Bran, Arya, even Jon…”

“No, you can’t.” Robb reminded him, and Theon couldn’t help but to cry out in sheer agony—because oh, Robb was so much worse than Ramsay. Certainly because unlike in front of Ramsay, when he was faced with Robb, _he_ was the biggest monster.

"Look at you!” Ramsay added as he laughed once more. "The untrusted eunuch advising a one-eyed Queen dishonored, defeated and mutilated by her own uncle, all because you ran away, because you didn’t sacrifice your life for her, because you were too much of a coward to even try to fight, because you didn’t trade your safety against her own, because you arrived too late to protect her. You’re pathetic! You should have stayed with me, as my Reek, at least then you had a purpose…”

Yes, he should, he should have —no. Being Reek only meant helping Ramsay destroy innocent people, serving a monster worse than him. Only had meant hurting Sansa further, and that —that was the worst thing he could have done. Betraying Robb all over again… That was the one thing he couldn’t do, couldn’t bear to do.

“And yet you did.” Ramsay taunted, almost singing the jibe to the tune of the Bear and the Maiden Fair. “If you had only obeyed Sansa, she would have been saved much, much sooner, and at least one less innocent would have died. It’s all your fault, your fault, your fault!”

Yes, it was. And he would never forgive himself. But at least, for once, he had done so because he was scared, because he legitimately thought it was the best course of action, because he had wanted to help her… Because he had been wrong. But wrong was wrong. It mattered not : he was guilty. Forever.

“You could not even help Yara in order to pay for the lives of the Ironborn, all greater than you, that your foolishness and cowardice have taken. You only caused more harm. And now, you do nothing to help my sisters, brother and cousin. What have you done for them, after saving Sansa from Myranda, fighting on the side of the living during the war against the dead which could just as well have been to save your own life, and convincing your broken Queen not to attack the North ever again, which would have been a foolish move anyway?”

Nothing.

“Exactly. Because there is nothing you can do, Theon. You are worthless. I never told you this, of course, because I was so kind I could see good in everyone even when there wasn’t. But you are. And the cruelest is that your pointless existence caused so many more useful lives to end, so many great men to fade away…”

“Just like Balon’s, and his insane dreams of rebellion! You really did everything to make him proud of you, didn’t you?! Everything to look like him! Too bad he was such a mad cunt, if only you had been less demented and tried to look like Ned Stark instead, that would have been better! If you had been there at the Red Wedding, perhaps you could have saved Robb or at least his child or wolf, or at the minimum he could have died without having had to know the pain of being betrayed by the one he believed to be his best friend, but where were you when he died? With me! With me, with me, with me! Having fun, remember, Reek?! Together and with the girls! If Robb died… It’s all your fault, your fault, your fault! You didn’t even try to help when you had the chance! Why didn’t you take that blade, slit my throat and murder my father with it? You’d have avenged Robb, and saved Sansa’s innocence and Rickon’s life, and so many more! But instead, you were a coward, you chose your own life over so many more, so many more! Your own wretched, miserable life! It’s too funny, too funny, they all say you’re a Turncloak, but the truth is that you always worshipped me, me, me, me the God of Death, Suffering, Evil, Fear and Misfortune, even when you didn’t know I existed! You always, always, always do what will hurt others the most, take the most monstrous path there is! You should have been loyal to Robb, you should have taken the black, you should have been the one to end the Bolton’s lineage, helped Sansa and fought Euron! You should have died in your mother’s womb, my pathetic Reek! Or instead of Rodrik or Maron, Balon would surely have preferred it that way! Even your scums of brothers were better men than you! Even Balon was a better man! Let alone Lord Stark, who raised you like his own child, who entrusted you with his true firstborn’s life, and whom you let down! He ought to have kept you locked in a cell, the naive man! But he was too good to think evil could exist, to even begin imagining such a monster and a coward could lurk under this rotten pale flesh of yours! Just like Robb! But I, I understood you, because you’re like me, my Reek, only even less brave! You always say I am worse than you, but you caused more deaths than I did! More pain than I could ever dream of! And you didn’t even have the guts or the strength to do so yourself! Ah, such a glorious sight it was indeed, you beheading Sir Cassel! The poor man said he should have put a sword in your belly instead of in your hand, but I’m sure during his last moments, he instead rather thought he should have taught you how to use it! It’s laughable, how wretched you are! And all of the things you did to save your life! Oh, it’s priceless!”

Theon closed his eyes, but it only made matters worse, for it rendered him unable to focus on anything else when Robb’s soft voice resonated once more.

“Tell me, Theon, is there one good thing you did in your entire life?”

No. Robb had been the person who had spent the most time with him, and yet —he could surely testify : he had never witnessed Theon behaving like he should have. Because Theon never knew how he should have behaved. Never fitting in, never at his right place, never doing the right thing. Yet…

“That’s right!” Ramsay interrupted. “You have never done anything good, always let everyone down, always chose the worst path! Why don’t you just die?! Why don’t you find the most painful way to die that ever existed, and reenact it on yourself?! That would make for a good show, and for the first time you’d do the right thing, you’d finally avenge all those you murdered!”

No. For once, he didn’t agree with the ghosts living in his mind. Because maybe he would never fix anything, but he could still try. Because even though his existence was so wretched and hopeless, it still had one purpose, surely not so great it justified causing so much pain and death just for himself not to expire, but the best reason why he was still protecting his miserable soul.

_Because now, the only way for Robb Stark to remain alive, somewhere, was for Theon Greyjoy to survive. And that was all._

 

 

 

 

**Author's Note:**

> YARA I'M SO SORRY!!! I didn't mean to imply that Euron had gouged her left eye out. It's just that... It just seems to me like something he would do to one of his family members. Also I guess he'd either rape her, let her be raped by other people (probably his crewmen) or at least force her to walk naked in a town or two. I mean, I really don't want her to suffer and just thinking about it makes me want to scoop HIS eyeballs out (and to replace it by a crow's eye, now that would be fun), but it strikes me as something Euron would do. Or well, book Euron. Or a mix between book and show... Now excuse me will I go beat the shit out of this incestuous rapist-kinslayer-sadistic psycho because even if he doesn't hurt Yara (or Asha) that way, he still deserves it.
> 
> Also, I took liberties with the plot of season 8 since I can't predict the (near) future and that it isn't out yet. I actually don't think that will happen, let alone want it. Actually, I want very different things... Like, idk? Maybe...  
> -The Long Night miraculously doesn't kill anyone I like  
> -Either Daenerys never learns that Jon is actually Aegon, either she learns about it when she's with him and that he discovers it for the first time, so he'll be as surprised as her and she will see he wasn't trying to double-cross her to the Iron Throne. I also want him to immediately give up on his claim to the Throne and to let her have it, not because I really want her to sit on it, but because I feel like Jon is just so tired of fighting and ruling and having to take decisions, right now he is doing it to save the world, but ruling over the Seven Kingdoms (and even further) is such an important responsibility and he has already been through so much, I just really believe he doesn't want power and wants some peace and quiet instead. I mean, come on, the poor guy has been through so much, he even died and came back to life, and now you want him to face even more hardships? I just don't think that's fair nor that he'd want it. So Jon would have peace and quiet, possibly watching little Sam grow up, Samwell becoming a Grand Maester and Gilly becoming the first female maester in history  
> -Daenerys sits on the Iron Throne, bc she's the most suitable. (Given everyone else is just... No.) But ONLY if she starts listening to Tyrion. I mean, some people see her as blacker than white, and think she'll end up becoming the bad guy. I don't think so. I just see her as really young, not very good at ruling because she's never been educated to, and as someone who makes bad decisions because she is not experimented and slightly naive in that regard, not as a bad person. Tyrion however is great at ruling from behind the scenes, but him sitting on the Throne can't happen given he has no claim to it  
> -Sansa rules Winterfell. And never gets married again...  
> -Arya ends up checking every name off her list save for Sandor's. She realizes he's not dead and a part of her wants to kill him, but another wants to forgive him, and so she does (using as an excuse that she already crossed him off her list anyway when she thought she had left him to die), and she hence learns that murder's not the only way and that redemption exists, then travel in the world with him and they're odd friends, and occasionally she comes back to Winterfell  
> (Bran finds out he can resurrect everyone nice and does it)  
> -Cersei dies. Idk who the valonqar is but best case scenario, Jaime, who kills her to protect Brienne bc Cersei tried to kill her bc she and Jaime were getting too close, then he tells Brienne he loves her. If I'm feeling sassy, she rejects him for Tormund, if I'm in a good mood, she reciprocates, if I'm in a great mood, polyamorous relationship J/B/T. (Or Arya kills Cersei because revenge)  
> -I get to know what Podrick did to those girls, and if eunuchs have phantom cocks. THE TRUE UNSOLVED QUESTIONS  
> -Melisandre sacrifices her life by burning herself. It greatly helps defeating the Night King  
> -Theon saves Yara. Then they both confront Euron (who calls Theon Reek bc he'd have learnt about that, I guess thanks to shade of the evening, so Theon is triggered but overcomes it) and kill him. Yara is Queen of the Islands and Theon her advisor  
> -Bronn saves Tyene (I read that in a one-shot and thought it was weird until I saw the scene between them again that I'd completely forgotten about and now it makes so much sense to me I can't help it), and perhaps Ellaria, but Ellaria's saved anyway doesn't matter by whom. He gets a castle in Dorne.  
> (I may be forgetting someone important...)
> 
> Idk why I hurt myself by writing this list when I know it'll never become true.  
> ... Actually, you know what? F it, if anything on it (save maybe for what's between brackets) doesn't become true, unless the end is even happier than this, I'm erasing it from my mind and consider this list as the canon end. *evil heartbroken laughter*


End file.
